HomeSick／不習慣

So here I am.

　　於是我到了。

From Pingtung to Taipei, five hours' travel is long enough. Rock & roll's in my ears with me wishing that the '30 Seconds To Mars' can bring my anxiety to the Mars, too. Keep telling myself that this is not July, and that you can't go to your sweet bed in a week, and that neither can you miss home within 4 days, and that you have to stand it as long as you can. My homesick runs 400 hundreds km long. I mail it to houses, rice field, peace, and the small town falling asleep at 9.

　　從屏東到台北，五個小時的車程，說不長也夠長了。路上耳裡塞著搖滾樂，【30 Seconds to Mars】，期待它也把不安的情緒帶到火星去。暗暗告訴自己，這回不像七月那次，不過一個星期就能夠回到熟悉可愛的床上，就算同樣四天就開始想家，怎麼樣也要忍下去。思念綿延四百公里，從這頭寄到那端，收件人是平房，是稻田，是看不見的安適，是九點就睡著的街市。

My mysterious roommates are still missing, except a lock. The only thing in the empty room is new furnitures and dust. Don't want to sleep alone in the dark dorm room, thus I carry my bags, with clothes in it, go through the path with bikes nearby, passing the subway station, which is as my underground passage, stay at my brother's apartment over and over. Claim that I need to watch the series, and that I can save the air conditioner for the earth, but deep in my heart I know it's only because home is somewhere family's there for you.

　　神秘的室友們除了一個密碼鎖之外，遲遲沒有現身。空蕩蕩的房間只有剛整修好的新木家具和灰塵。不想一個人睡在烏漆麻黑的宿舍裡，一連三天就拖著包包，扛著換洗衣物，走過滿是腳踏車的小巷，穿過當成地下道的地鐵站，窩到老哥那過夜。說是要看電視嗑影集，說是要省冷氣愛地球，其實心裡都知道，怎麼樣有家人的地方還是比較像「家」。

P said that her mom thought herself having homesick for all her life. I don't want to feel tha same.

　　P說她媽咪認為自己一輩子都在想家。我好不希望也有同樣感受。

The campus of TU is huge, with lots of trees in it. Old buildings make me forget where I am sometimes. It's not untill the high bridge runs across me that I suddenly realize that I am now in Taipei city. The suddenly-cut distance scared me. I've been used to the life, which I can say to myself that those people and things are so far away from me, so that I can't adopt the fact that actually we are all in the same city, looking at that same sky.

　　T校園很大，也很多樹。古色古香的建築沒有壓迫感，也讓我暫時忘了身處何方，直到走至路的盡頭，高架橋猛然撞入眼中，我才驚覺自己早已身在台北，這個陌生、該與我無干的城市中。我害怕這種突然間縮減的距離感，早就太習慣看著螢幕、雜誌封面上的人物，想著這些離我的生活那麼遙遠，卻沒辦法適應現在其實都同在一座城市裡仰望同一片天空。

2008.9.4 （請原諒我太過疲倦，而明天還要出發為期三天的宿營）

There're lots of people in Taipei, too many for me to be comfortable. And the price of goods is just too high to reach my line; perhaps, I'll become a regular of the quarters restaurant. Even though H lives up stares, I still miss my home. Don't want to cry, but still the tears fall, and the only thing I can do is wipe it away secretly. It would be a lie to say that I have no emotions. The stain of dry drops would be the evidence. It's college, and you have to learn to grow up.

　　台北人很多，多的不習慣。物價高的莫名奇妙，說不定會變成宿舍底下自助餐的常客。就算H就住在樓上，但是想家的情緒依然天天在蘊釀。不想哭，卻還是忍不住偷偷把眼淚抹掉。說沒有情緒是騙人的，帳本上滴滴答答的水漬乾了就算了。這就是大學生，要學著長大。

"They don't teach you INDEPENDENCE; they teach you DEPENDENCE." said Chris, and it is the situation that I'm facing. BE INDEPENDENT. The course selecting system almost tears my mind apart. 25 credits may be enough at the first time you hear it, but that's not the truth. You have to arrange your course, your life, and you're a grown-up now, you should decide what kind of life you want to live. It's college; it's university; it contains every resources in the universe, and how to use it is all up to you. I determine to work hard, so that my Calculus won't turn into a crisis. There's no room for French, and I can only prey that I have enough time for it in Sophomore.

　　"They don't teach you INDEPENDENCE; they teach you DEPENDENCE." 這是Chris的話，卻像我面臨的景況。獨立獨立，獨自挺立。為了選課的事差點掀翻了腦袋。25個學分，乍聽之下很多，事實上，填了之後才知道不然。讓你自己排課，自己決定一天的行程，你是個大人了，該決定自己的生活，這裡是大學，是首學，是很棒的學校，有數不盡的資源，端看你如何取用。下定決心要用力唸書，微積分才不會變成危機分；法文眼看是修不上了，只能祈禱二年級還有多餘的時間。

2008.9.8 （因為要出去吃飯只能中斷）

Within a few days, I can tell apart the key of my brother's apartment. Don't dare to walk away too far form the campus for I'm afraid to get lost. After the small trip, the feeling of going home suddenly hits me. It's almost a torture to get down the hand escalator. Don't want to have lunch alone, so I leave it as long as I can. I hate to eat by myself.

　　不過幾天光景，就已經把哥哥公寓的鑰匙認清楚了。不敢離開公館，怕迷路。從宿營回來，忽然好想回家；我跟EN說，以前旅行後，帶著一身疲倦跟行李，攤進家裡的那種感覺，實在無法言語形容。拖著兩個大袋子，連下手扶梯都像種折磨。中午，H和P早早體檢完便包袱款款回家了，哥哥有課，遲遲不想下樓午餐；一個人吃飯已經夠糟了，如果還吃不好，那簡直雪上加霜。

Here in Taipei, I'm still not used to it, not used to be alone, to be surrounded by so many people.

　　在台北，我還不習慣。不習慣一個人，不習慣週遭太多人。

　　I've gotten a homesick, and I'm still alone.

2008.9.9 （不知道在寫什麼了，就這樣吧）