College Fever / 大學惶恐

The day F called, I was about to have my brunch. She said that she's goning to have something with me and if our friends join us OK for me. Yes, surely I answerd. She'd been busy quite a long time, and it's nice to see her, and hear her. We spent some time at the caf'e and then turned to F's place.

那天F打來時，我正想吃個早午餐。她說想和我吃個飯，順便見見幾個朋友。我欣然同意。最近她一直都很忙，能夠見到她，聽她說話，聊天，再好不過了。一群人在咖啡廳聊了一會，接著轉移陣地到了F家。

Card-play was nice, though, it still couldn't covered the feared that hides inside me. "She was on the way home when I met her on the street. She just finished her studying." F smiled, and I thought I was going to throw up. Perhaps, I drank too much milk tea. It seemed that all my classmates know exactly what they are doing and what they want. Compared with them, I'm nothing, except a total loser. Six-monthe vacation does make a person empty, including the brain. What have I done during it? Be honest, nothing real. I did do some translation and some reading, but anything else? No.

那幾場牌很不錯，真的，卻掩蓋不了心中隱約浮現的不安。「那天我遇到她時，她剛唸完書，從圖書館回家。」F在笑，我卻覺得想吐。可能，是奶茶喝太多了，可能吧。看起來每個同學都知道自己該做什麼、在做什麼、想做什麼，跟他們比起來，我除了廢物，什麼都不是。六個月真的會把一個人掏空，包括腦袋。我到底做了什麼？完成什麼？說真的，什麼都沒有。確實，我翻譯了幾篇文章，看了一點書，還有呢？沒了。

I suddently felt that actually my life was in a mess. Studying? Who am I kidding? Me? Time have been wasted in the summer, and the fall is coming, so does the semester. If I don't get prepared for it, then I, who once loudly said that she would like to change her major in sophomore, may just talk in the dream.

突然，覺得自己的生活簡直是一團亂。唸書？我想騙誰啊，自己嗎？時間在夏日被浪費掉，秋天要來了，學期也要開始了。如果不快點準備好，那麼，這個曾經誇口想要轉系的傢伙不過就是在空口說白話。

Facing the uncertainty of the future, I feel so helpless. Being the first kid going to college, H, who's going to the same college with me, has the same college fever, too. And what's worse, her tense passed to me, who is one of the few that she would turn for help when crushing something.

未來一片茫然的令我無助。H，她家第一個上大學的孩子，也要和我上同間大學的女生，和我有著同樣的大學惶恐。更糟的是，身為她少數幾個會轉而求援的朋友之一，她的緊張傳染給我了。雪上加霜。

God, wish I knew how to handle it, the college fever.

天哪，真希望我知道怎麼搞定這些，大學惶恐。


2008.8.14